Famous Poems That I Hate #1.

When I die, I want you to weep. I am there, but I’m dead.

You’ll never see me again, not in any romantic natural scene.

So cry, okay? Because I’m dead.

And that’s really pretty shit.

On Films and Indulgence

I don’t like watching films much. And I think I’ve just realised why.

I just watched The Darjeeling Limited. I’ve wanted to watch it for a long time, but (as I said) I don’t like watching films much. If you’ve seen the film you will know that there are tender moments in it, but it is hardly the sort of film you’d cry at.

I didn’t cry, but if I was on my own I would have.

When I watch a film, I feel sad. I am moved too easily. Even if a film has a happy ending, I will feel elated, and then the realisation as the credits roll that I will soon have to leave the comfortable world (if it be that) that the film has created. If it is a sad film, I will be moved even more so. I think I have cried harder at a film than any situation in my life. I’m really thinking hard. I can’t think of a moment in my life where I sobbed so thoroughly as at The Elephant Man.
It’s not as if nothing sad as ever happened to me, I have cried plenty. But I think that films give you a comfortable sphere, or bubble, or something like that, where you can cry and cry and cry and cry. Really indulge yourself in tears.

Because it feels good.

When the film is over, I find it hard to return immediately to being me (that’s the happy, jokey, fun, whatever-you-think-of-me, Me.) I’ll feel sad for a while. Often if I watch a film I’ll feel upset for hours. I’ll pontificate on how the film made me feel, why I was so upset, why do I get so upset? I’ll examine why I found certain scenes so sad, was it because of something that happened to me, or how I’m feeling about someone at that time?

People say that cinema is escapism. It allows you to hide away from your life for a couple of hours. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t. It makes you feel, hurt, love and drags up all these feelings and they can’t be simply extinguished by rolling credits and some nice music at the end.

That’s why I don’t like watching films much.

Sophie x

Back to normal

Enough with the dissertation crap, let's resume normal blog life. Hello there! Sit ye down and enjoy a nice cup of nonsense.

Ssssip. Mmm it goes down well!

I really don't know what I'm going to talk about today. The main British news story is that Humphrey Littleton has died. Sad news. I have nothing funny, nor (more importantly) insightful or wise to say about that, so I shall not even mention it.

I suppose I could talk about student 'japes'. I went to this party, and funny stuff happened! HAHAHAHA!

I guess you had to be there. It seems anecdotes are not the way, not today.

So..... erm.... why write a blog when you have nothing to say? Well, isn't that essentially what I'm trying to say? Isn't it true that no one ever actually has anything to say? No.

Oh I KNOW! Boy, did anyone watch Question Time when the three main runners for London Mayor were on it? It was brilliant. There was bickering, name calling, sulking and shouting. But the best bit, by FAR the best bit was where some idiot in the crowd asked the question -

"If your leadership style were a food, what food would it be?"

(I've just googled to see if I can find the exact quotes and it seems I picked out the same bit as The Sun....)

Anyway, Boris said this ...
“My style would be the difference between Tesco’s brand cornflakes and the most extravagantly priced brand of cornflakes.”

Paddick said this...
“rare fillet steak — fit, lean and does you the world of good”.

and reigning champ, Livingstone said this...
“I’d be fruit and veg because it’s good for you and it helps the environment with less cows.”

How 'Blind Date' can you get? Are we asking these types of questions because we have no idea what these people are like, and are going on personality rather than policies? If this is the case, we simply have to go for Paddick. What rhetoric. I'd get on that.

Speaking of chat up lines, how's this one -

"If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."

You like that one? Of course you do. You wonderful geeks.

Now, I'm a multimedia sort of gal, unlike most of the world, I read books as well as look at screens, but right now, I'm going to keep you at your screen. But I promise you, it's giggletastic.
I was sent this video with the idea that it is a genuine chat show where the presenter gets the giggles at a man with an unfortunate 'voice disability'





That's funny right? Now, I've seen it a couple of times now and I can't help but think it's a staged sketch. A good one, though! Just the fact that none of the audience laugh too gives it away for me. That laughter is so infectious I can't believe everyone would be able to keep a straight face. Unless of course they were actually deeply offended.

What do you reckon?

I'm not going to do the conundrum any more because no one really cares, right?

Love you all,

Sophie x

According to the bible = Fact

I'm currently watching a 'documentary' on Channel 4 called The Quest for the Lost Ark. Here's what Radiotimes.com says -

"Put on your sceptical spectacles for this one, as writer and academic Tudor Parfitt makes a heck of a claim: "I've solved a mystery that's 25 centuries old . . . If I'm right it will change everything anyone has ever believed about the fabled lost Ark of the Covenant." Yes - if. Those who stick with the film will reach their own verdict on whether Parfitt's Indiana Jones-ish story about the container that held the Ten Commandments stands up. For me, his argument made more daring leaps than a tipsy mountain goat. Even so, it's an interesting dissertation on biblical myth and archaeology, tracing Jewish traditions from a labyrinth under Jerusalem to southern Africa, as Parfit pursues his theory about one of the holiest objects in history."

Tudor (if that's his real name) uses biblical writings to prove his discoveries -

"According to the bible", "According to religious tradition", and "According to bollocky bill the sailor" are phrases much used in this programme so far.

Deary me. I'm so mad. That's why I'm here. Hello you!

Craig won the conundrum, it was WHEREUPON. Tricky one I thought. But he is yet to give me a blogging topic, so here I am of my own volition.

Anyway back to bible facts. You know Jesus wasn't even born in Jerusalem, according to the best information available. Apparently it was changed in the gospels to match up with the prophecy of the Old Testament. What a load of wibble. (This info is written much better in The God Delusion.... I can't remember where...)

Aw, the cuprinol spray fence paint advert. One of the rare adverts which is yet to annoy me. The men do the policeman laughing thing. Hur hur! Oooh Samuel L Jackson.... VIRGINMEDIA IS THE FUCKNUTZ YEH!

Oh good, the 'documentary' is back on. His first sentence has included the sentence 'The bible records'. Oh fuck blimey. Honestly?

I'm going to make a documentary called 'The Quest for the lost Wally', where I shall look for Wally (fictional) and use phrases such as "according to the second wally book", and then claim at the end that Wally lives on in our hearts, or some other bollocks.

This 'tudor' man (who seems not to have been enlightened since that very age) claims he knows where the ark is now. My housemates reckon he's going to conclude that it is in our hearts. But I don't think so. I think he'll just name some place which it is impossible to reach and validate this with facts such as "according to this new gospel I just wrote, it is there....simple!"

BANG! And the mystery is gone.

I just remarked to my housemate Geoff that this programme is an hour and a half long and he immediately reached for the remote.

I really must go, or I'll just babble infuriated atheism at you. As we're waiting for the results of the last conundrum are yet to be resolved (spam Craig if you want) here's a little question...

If you could write a religious book that would have it's message followed by a large percentage of civilisation from now on, what would be your one overriding theme?

I'd probably stick with shunning menstruating women. And gays.

Sophie x

EDIT******

GOOD GOD! (excuse the pun/whatever)

The programme has just concluded with his theory that this drum type thing he found that is 900 years old (or 600 my housemate says it was) is a remake of the ark of the covenant, and so is essentially the actual ark of the covenant. After this 'huge revelation', he balances his opinion with that of his colleague, who says "No, there's no proof, don't be a twat".

At last. Why didn't you tell him that an hour and a half ago?

Darkhorse Dan and thesophie blog together

Dan doesn't seem to like the freeform of these blogs. Basically what we do is sit in the room, chat and type and see how our blogs turn out differently. But he wants me to explain it over and over. Just go with it dan, let's get naked and roll about in words and bloggasms.

I just put the light on and said "I'll put the light on, maybe we'll be enlightened". That's what it's like living with me.

What kind of question?

When's the cake ready? I don't know. I'd better go and check....

It's due to beep in twelve minutes. dan's freaking out at the way he doesn't know what to write, seriously it's funny. He looks fraught with fear.

Don't tell Dan, but I just realised that I put loads of floor dust stuff on his bed from my slippers. Oops. Mmmm the cake smells good.

I'm looking at Dan's books. He's got The God Delusion, well that's mine but I leant it to him. And James Joyce, I tried to read that once. I didn't like it.

Dan's still asking questions.

Now he's reading the a quote from The God Delusion that is well God. Paraphrased it says God is a cunt.
OOOOOOOHH OOOOH someone's just arrived. It's Paddy and Geoff. Confusion over who's cooking dinner because there's a cake in the oven. I don't know about anyone else but I'm having lemon drizzle cake for dinner. Oh Dan is doing Kievs. I'll have that then.

Dan's stressed out about Mario. oh not that, another mario. OH NO! A real stress.
Online tutorials are the bane of his life. Don't try new things Dan, there's a lesson there.

When the oven beeps we must stop writing, like in an exam.

Dan says he though God was a bastard as a kid. I never did. I never really had any thoughts about it at all. I remember trying to think of arguments to prove he was a woman and failing, and I remember realising I didn't believe in him at all. I guess that's all that matters. If he doesn't exist, it doesn't matter if he is a shit or not. Because he doesn't exist. Like Maddy? No.

Someone just turned on the TV "Hussein was attacked by a gang of black youths"
Ain't we all, mate.

Dan's going to get a sonic screwdriver, it GON' BE GOOOOOD!

I've got cold feet (in the literal sense).

What's been the high point of Dan's d

In which I go to Alton Towers and talk about Paedophilia (again).

Hello you!

Have you missed me? I bet you have. I bet you've been writing fanblogs.

Anyway, while I've been busy with my dissertation I did write a few notes down of things to write about in future blogs. Here are a few amusing anecdotes I noted down....

1. Mum heroine spoon

2. Nightmare Hanson

3. Conservative Man on the train

4. Big Cook little cook

I imagine I intended to elaborate on these but blimey heck and fuckles, I shall not. So there.

So I got my dissertation in all fine and it was okay in the end. It's called Don't Blaspheme for God's Sake! Schnarf! It's all about the right to blaspheme and how comedy is the place to do it. If you're interested I have a pdf for you. Just hit me with your email address and you can read the wonderment. Let joy be unconfined!

Since then I've been celebrating and doing very little. I went to the Doctor Who exhibition at Earls Court, I went to see Gogol Bordello at Brixton Academy, turned 23 and went to Alton Towers. These were all a lot of fun, but the highlight would have to be Gogol Bordello. It was the second time I'd seen them and they were just as marvellous. I made a foolish footwear choice though. Canvas pumps. Not the right thing for a mosh pit. Bruises followed. They still ache, over a week later.

Alton Towers was great too. I get a bit weird with adrenaline....
If you haven't been since the arrival of oblivian, the vertical drop rollercoaster, I insist that you do. It made me do a noise that sounded like pain and orgasm rolled into one groan. But it was oh-so-good! In the picture they take, my friend Paul had ecstatic joys all over his face. Someone pointed this out and Paul remarked that for that 2 seconds he felt truly alive. So if you're a maudlin inclined melancholic person, get yourself to Alton Towers and find out what happiness feels like!

But, dear reader, I have a confession to make. I am now an iCunt. FEAR NOT! I have not bought a mac, but received an iPod for my birthday from my far-too-genorous boyfriend. And I have to admit, it is great. Fuck. But it did mean that I had to sort out my iTunes library which meant alphebetisation, sorting, labelling and cor blimey I love that sort of thing.

Thursday was my birthday and I spent the majority of the day travelling from Manchester to Bournemouth. I happened upon an abandoned guardian and grabbed it with my greedy liberal hands. Inside was this beauty which I ripped out and put in my wallet (click for bigger)
So, to recap, children are pretending to be paedophiles pretending to be children. That's fantastic! My fear (and worry not, I'll be getting in touch with the Daily Mail) is that paedophiles will read the guardian and say, "hmmmm.....". After saying that they will then go online and pretend to be a child pretending to be a paedophile pretending to be a child.

This is all quite stressful and confusing. They think it's children because they're using the language used is "at times childish". Now I'm sure paedophiles have already thought of this one. But what about that Monkey Dust sketch where a paedophile pretends to be a child and ends up meeting up with another paedophile doing exactly the same? Well.... what if a child pretending to be a paedophile and a paedophile pretending to be a child meet up? No that's just confusing. Would that be good for either? Erm. What about a child pretending to be a paedophile and a child who is just a child but wants to be voilated by a paedophile. Imagine the poor child's disappointment when they arrive at the park, botty lubed, to see their little brother's mate tommy sat on the park bench? We must protect children from this eventuality. Ensure that paedophiles on the internet are real paedophiles not these bastards faking it. What on earth is the world coming to?

Not all paedophiles take it this seriously though. For some it's just a hobby, now and again....

I like to be a paedophile, a paedophile, a peaedophile.
I like to touch the kids and smile, (not always,once in a paedowhile.)

On that note, (it was B flat) I shall close my blog.

Let's bring back the conundrum! I think it's quite a tricky one today. So good luck!

H E W O N P U R E

Keep it bloggy,

Sophie x