Monday, April 14, 2008

According to the bible = Fact

I'm currently watching a 'documentary' on Channel 4 called The Quest for the Lost Ark. Here's what says -

"Put on your sceptical spectacles for this one, as writer and academic Tudor Parfitt makes a heck of a claim: "I've solved a mystery that's 25 centuries old . . . If I'm right it will change everything anyone has ever believed about the fabled lost Ark of the Covenant." Yes - if. Those who stick with the film will reach their own verdict on whether Parfitt's Indiana Jones-ish story about the container that held the Ten Commandments stands up. For me, his argument made more daring leaps than a tipsy mountain goat. Even so, it's an interesting dissertation on biblical myth and archaeology, tracing Jewish traditions from a labyrinth under Jerusalem to southern Africa, as Parfit pursues his theory about one of the holiest objects in history."

Tudor (if that's his real name) uses biblical writings to prove his discoveries -

"According to the bible", "According to religious tradition", and "According to bollocky bill the sailor" are phrases much used in this programme so far.

Deary me. I'm so mad. That's why I'm here. Hello you!

Craig won the conundrum, it was WHEREUPON. Tricky one I thought. But he is yet to give me a blogging topic, so here I am of my own volition.

Anyway back to bible facts. You know Jesus wasn't even born in Jerusalem, according to the best information available. Apparently it was changed in the gospels to match up with the prophecy of the Old Testament. What a load of wibble. (This info is written much better in The God Delusion.... I can't remember where...)

Aw, the cuprinol spray fence paint advert. One of the rare adverts which is yet to annoy me. The men do the policeman laughing thing. Hur hur! Oooh Samuel L Jackson.... VIRGINMEDIA IS THE FUCKNUTZ YEH!

Oh good, the 'documentary' is back on. His first sentence has included the sentence 'The bible records'. Oh fuck blimey. Honestly?

I'm going to make a documentary called 'The Quest for the lost Wally', where I shall look for Wally (fictional) and use phrases such as "according to the second wally book", and then claim at the end that Wally lives on in our hearts, or some other bollocks.

This 'tudor' man (who seems not to have been enlightened since that very age) claims he knows where the ark is now. My housemates reckon he's going to conclude that it is in our hearts. But I don't think so. I think he'll just name some place which it is impossible to reach and validate this with facts such as "according to this new gospel I just wrote, it is there....simple!"

BANG! And the mystery is gone.

I just remarked to my housemate Geoff that this programme is an hour and a half long and he immediately reached for the remote.

I really must go, or I'll just babble infuriated atheism at you. As we're waiting for the results of the last conundrum are yet to be resolved (spam Craig if you want) here's a little question...

If you could write a religious book that would have it's message followed by a large percentage of civilisation from now on, what would be your one overriding theme?

I'd probably stick with shunning menstruating women. And gays.

Sophie x


GOOD GOD! (excuse the pun/whatever)

The programme has just concluded with his theory that this drum type thing he found that is 900 years old (or 600 my housemate says it was) is a remake of the ark of the covenant, and so is essentially the actual ark of the covenant. After this 'huge revelation', he balances his opinion with that of his colleague, who says "No, there's no proof, don't be a twat".

At last. Why didn't you tell him that an hour and a half ago?


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