Remember me? I'm the one you've been weeping over since you first met acquaintance with my words. Mmmmmm hello, sweet lyrical labia, tickle my tongue with your whirly words.
Well where have I been? Apart from the usual - erm, I wish I had a usual - I have been getting my script done. And it's finished. I done a film. Tickle it, bitch. If you want to read it then you must have no life, but you're more than welcome to ask. It's pretty good and it definitely has the word nipple in it.
The thing is, the film is about polyamory (ya know, putting it about, loving more than one in more than a 'kinky threesome' way) so lending it out to people to read is a bit awkward. Because something perhaps weirdly kinky happens in it, someone might assume I'm into it. Which is only true 97% of the time. I currently have my ex and my Mum bothering me to read it, errrrr. My boyfriend has read it and now thinks I'm mad. Well done me.
"Here new boyfriend, read this weird dark sex film....! Big hugs MWAH!"
I'm such a dick.
Still, luckily he's not an idiot so everything is fine.
Enough of that. Something I wanted to share with you....
I've been using a replacement phone from T-Mobile while they fix (again) my nice one. The replacement one is from the prehistoric phone age where nokias won the interracial war with the pterodactyls and dodos. Shut up Sophie. The point is, it's shit.
And while perusing the phone I discovered a little folder called 'Quick notes'. These are basically template text messages so you don't have to think up words or maybe use your fingers pressing a button to arrange words in an individual and personal way to your friend, colleague, loved one or perhaps Jamster. And the first is a suitable one.
1. Call you later
This is the sort of text you might send when someone calls you but you are too busy either writing a thesis, live-sculpting a bust of Shakespeare or perhaps plating out some bird. Emergency quick text sending.
The next few follow in a similar vein "Urgent! Please call me!" (though here I would add something like "about your scabs" or "an ambulance". Others include information about being late and where to meet und so weiter.
The troubles are with 8,9 and 10.
8. Don't worry, be happy...
Great, that really helps. What a friend you are, my mum just died of cancer and is splashing it all over the TV screens with some embarrassing excuse about inheritence. Don't worry be happy? Fuck off! Stop using templates and think of something appropriate to say like "Shit mate, your life is fucked up, you should probably kill yourself".
9. Have a nice day!
Did you just text me a burger?
And the worst of all -
10. Love you forever.
Your soul is dead.
Sometimes it's convenient to use technology and abbreviations to make life quicker. Using a text template to tell someone you love them just isn't good enough.
It's like those three little words aren't little enough.
So, let's abbreviate it some more. I mean you wouldn't want to be interrupted from cunnilling out some chick for too long while you text your wife "Love you forever."
So let's make those three little words three little letters.