Monday, December 31, 2007

Nurge P'Turkin - O'Bitchery

Last year it was James Brown, this year it was Nurge P'Turkin. He bought us much joy, love and laughter. But he snuffed it. And I think we're all secretly glad, like when Bernard Manning did. Not that he was racist or fat, but he was on the verge of both. One more blackberry pie and it would be pearl harbour jokes all over the place. And just because it's cold.

So let's all cheer, loud and clear for Nurge P'Turkin. There'll be a Nurge shaped hole in our hearts in 2008.


So it's the last day of the year. Let's celebrate that. Woo. Good, that's over. I have to admit, I hate New Year. I hate New Year's Eve, I hate New Year's Day and I hate....nah, it's just those two. Sorry ye olde rhythm of three*. Oh actually I hate that at the beginning of the New Year it takes everyone a while to get used to saying 2008, Oh HAHA I put 2007, how silly of me, HAHA, what a numpty, I'm a year behind, HAHA, I must get with it, HAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAA<

The only thing I like about the new year is that you can buy a new diary. Lovely. I love stationery. Phwoar.

So let's have a little retrospective of my Christmas....

Wow I enjoyed that. Didn't you come with me? Ok, well basically the ghost of Christmas just gone/still going (he can't decide if he's past or present) showed me what happened and I said "yeh I remember that". I wasn't moved to the point of wanting to change my outlook as I haven't really given time for hindsight to grow. It's a mere bud of hindsight... maybe this metaphor only works in my head. More importantly it's not a metpahor. What is a meta for? Shut up.

Yes, so Christmas morning I awoke and found that I had failed to give birth. Only I, only Sophie (me) would have been blessed with the new Messiah in her ovaries and yet have the rudeness to miscarriage him all over the bed.

This didn't really happen, I dreamt it. I think that says a lot about me.

I didn't really dream it, I just made it up. I think that says a lot about me.

I wish I hadn't said any of that, it's disgusting. I'll leave it though. ...says a lot about me etc etc...

So what really happened?
Well I won't go into details, I'll give a few awards. Best Christmas spirit goes to my nephew who was so very very full of joy and so flippant of material goods that he opened every present with glee, disregarded it, then spent the whole day playing with a huge cardboard box.
Most "is this really happening?" part of the day is awarded to when I got home after lunch at the in-laws to find my family sat round watching a video of my Grandma, Mum and Aunties walking around wales. It was hours long.
And most ardently "We're going to have a good time" award I will give to myself after forcing my family to play trivial pursuit, not let them cheat to end quickly, so the game finally finished in the early hours of the morning.

Oh yes! Doctor Who! So was it good? It was okay. DT was gorgeous of course. Kylie, who I usually like, was annoying and we were all glad she died. Also I was quite disappointed, the Doctor wouldn't have fallen in love so quickly, Kylie or no Kylie.
And was it offensive, did Christian Voice have a point? Well kinda, but I loved it all the more for it. The fact that 'The Host' were the enemy was nothing, but the bit where they raise him up and he flies through metal and is unscathed was a little 'grit yer teeth and hope Stephen Green didn't actually watch it and just made an assumption from the fact the villains had halos which were turned into frisbee-like weapons (very much like in Eddie Izzards Popeman and Altar Boy - "Let's get them Altar Boy, with Holy Water and Jesus Discs!")

If you missed it, I believe it's being repeated on 1st Jan 2007. OH HAHAHA I MEANT 2008!!!

Am I going to try and give up smoking this year? I don't know. I've had one request, but that's not enough for me.

So, big love,

Sophie x

*Parallelism for you language fans.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Is there a Christ in Christmas? ('s there...the first 6 letters...duh)

As a girl who was brought up Christian but one day realised that liking choral music doesn't necessarily mean God exists and is now an atheist, I find Christmas a time to check I still don't believe.
That warm feeling as Christmas comes - is it a love for God? Is it comfort in the faith that the lord jeebus came down to earth and healed people from stuff and taught us how to live?
No - I think it's a time to remember your loved ones, to be thankful for all the great things about your life, to be grateful. And to watch the Muppets.

Spare a moment to get in the Christmas spirit with me...

No moment of a film has made the real meaning of Christmas so clear to me. There is hardly a mention of Jesus or the Christmas Story in the whole far as I can remember. Yet It's a Wonderful Life is voted #1 Christmas film in polls again and again. It shows that Christmas is a time to remember your family and friends, and loved ones and all that stuff. Therefore, I am right.

So when people say "Oi, Christmas is about Jeebus, stop that Coca Cola advert rubbish, stop the presents, stop father christmas and stop sinning" etc etc, say to them ....I dunno, some wise retort. Something along the lines of "pah, Jesus was a gay anyway"

I jest of course, I find the Christian Christmas warming too. But it's not my Christmas. My Christmas is different. And I love it.

When I did go to Church at Christmas (at All Saints Staplehurst), we had a lovely vicar named Brian. (He was so great, we used to watch The Life of Brain at youth group.) In Christmas sermons, he would hardly mention the Christmas story but concentrate on making it an enjoyable sermon for everyone. He would make 'dad jokes' and get the the kids to compete about who got up earliest.

The last time I went to a Christmas service at this Church was a revisit to Midnight Mass about 5 years ago, maybe less. Brian had gone and was replaced by Jill (A WOMAN?! AND HER SON WAS GAY!? JEEZ, SOMEONE'S GONNA BURN!) Her sermon after joyous carol singing to a packed out Church was about burning in hell if we sinned. Lovely. God bless us, every one.

Let's keep Christmas how it should be - loving and yes, cheesy. And full of Christmas cheer. Let us SHUN Christian Voice buffoon Stephen Green for complaining about Doctor Who (info here) and let us raise our voices and shout in unison "We are atheists and we love Christmas!"

Scrooge hated Christmas at the beginning of A Christmas Carol yet he still had a good point -

"Nephew!...Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine"

So in conclusion, keep Christmas as you like it. This is how I like it, but I'm not going to complain if someone likes it a different way. And I will be watching Doctor Who.

Now come and stand under the mistletoe with me.
Christmas smooches,

Sophie x

I'll leave you with this -

“The good part of Christmas is not always Christian--it is generally Pagan; that is to say, human, natural.

Christianity did not come with tidings of great joy, but with a message of eternal grief. It came with the threat of everlasting torture on its lips. It meant war on earth and perdition hereafter.

It taught some good things--the beauty of love and kindness in man. But as a torch-bearer, as a bringer of joy, it has been a failure. It has given infinite consequences to the acts of finite beings, crushing the soul with a responsibility too great for mortals to bear. It has filled the future with fear and flame, and made God the keeper of an eternal penitentiary, destined to be the home of nearly all the sons of men. Not satisfied with that, it has deprived God of the pardoning power.

And yet it may have done some good by borrowing from the Pagan world the old festival called Christmas.

Long before Christ was born the Sun-God triumphed over the powers of Darkness. About the time that we call Christmas the days begin perceptibly to lengthen. Our barbarian ancestors were worshippers of the sun, and they celebrated his victory over the hosts of night. Such a festival was natural and beautiful. The most natural of all religions is the worship of the sun. Christianity adopted this festival. It borrowed from the Pagans the best it has.

I believe in Christmas and in every day that has been set apart for joy. We in America have too much work and not enough play. We are too much like the English.

I think it was Heinrich Heine who said that he thought a blaspheming Frenchman was a more pleasant object to God than a praying Englishman. We take our joys too sadly. I am in favor of all the good days--the more the better.

Christmas is a good day to forgive and forget--a good day to throw away prejudices and hatreds--a good day to fill your heart and your house, and the hearts and houses of others, with sunshine.”
-- "The Great Agnostic" Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899), "A Christmas Sermon," Evening Telegram, Dec. 19, 1891

Friday, December 07, 2007

HOW TO LIVE by Simon Munnery

I highly recommend that everyone go out and buy this book. It's full of witty one liners that make you think, make you laugh and makes you want to kiss/kill everyone.
It's available HERE for a mere £5.

What a perfect stocking filler!

Here are some of my favourite lines.

Rules for conversing
with a potential
suicide bomber

1. Be polite, but firm.
2. Resist the temptation to discuss
your own problems

A million monkeys
were given a million typewriters.
It's called the internet.

If you only ever read
one book in your life...
...I highly recommend you
keep your mouth shut

If you want it badly
that's how you're
going to get it

Whatever it says in the Bible
the truth remains
You can read the Bible and dismiss
it as nonsense if you like;
you can dismiss it as nonsense without
reading it to save time if you prefer

My dog has no legs.
Yet still he chews bones.
How does a dig with no legs chew bones?
With a great deal of suspicion
I've noticed.

The electric guitar
- like making love -
is much improved by a little feedback,
completely ruined by too much.

Men lie.
Women wear
perfume and makeup
And lie.

Have you anything to say?
No? Then shut up.
Unless you are a woman
in which case carry on
- it's delightful.


Even though I don't work for The Fix right now, check out this great comedy night. Simon Munnery's on the bill, with many others!

Love you all!

Sophie x

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Saturday Live Again...and surrounding adverts.

Hello and welcome. My name is Sophie and I am here to take you by the hand and tell you how you should have responded to Saturday Live Again, the reincarnation of Saturday Live or Saturday Night Live if you have trouble telling the time of day. (Added bonus of the adverts that happened to come on in between. You don't win them though. I'm not Ant and/or Dec. Whatever they say.)

iphone. you'll be surprised by some of the things you see on youtube. saddam hussein being hung.....on your phone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's that show that you weren't quite born in time for, but still somehow affected your upbringing. (Just me then.) SATURDAY LIVE! Please welcome your host, the handsome my-boyfriend-lookalike, MMMMMMMMAARCUS BRIGSTOCK!
Wooo yeh! Hoooray!
What's with the set? Is it a jungle jim? Hmm. Fair enough.
Brigstock kicks off with some classic CDs lost in the post material and all is going well. But we need some music to kick off the evening. Something that really speaks of today. Something that says 'now'.
Bon Jovi.
Then a wee set from Lee Mack. Lovely, fine. All good so far. Apart from Bon Jovi perhaps.

First advert break and we are treated to the Thornton's advert where things jig back and forth as time is standing still as a little boy decides what to have written in icing on chocolate. Quite a nice little advert. But when you see it look at the kid. He has a yellow rollneck on and brown ankle swingers on. And a teddy boy's hairstyle. I'd prefer to steer clear from such an obvious comment but he really did look like a child dressed as a paedophile. Perhaps it was for fancy dress. Or perhaps he is a paedophile. I was a paedophile as a child, but I grew out of it.

Oh good, Saturday Live is back on. Oh Mitchell and Webb are doing a student play. Oh no, it's a sketch. Someone should have told them they have microphones. They're usually great performance but weak writers. This sketch they managed to go for the double bill of a bad performance too. Shame.

Next up is that Pete Firman chap soon to be coming toThe Comedy Bar which was fun. Though my housemate almost vomited. Always a good way to start a Saturday Night.

Next up in the weak second section is Jeremy Lion. I don't know what his act really IS, but this time round he was drinking what I assume wasn't actually alcohol....anyway, one glass for each verse of the 12 days of Christmas and as it continues he gets more and more 'drunk' and gets the words wrong. HAHAHAHA.....
Isn't someone drunk really funny?
Well kind of.
Isn't someone pretending to be drunk really funny?
What if they sang funny alternative lyrics?
Lyrics that aren't funny?
Did it just make you feel sick?
Yeh a bit.

Brigstock relieves you from this section of non-laughter with a nice little 'don't go away' line -
"Frankly if you watch anyfink else you is well lame, and your mum is a tramp."

Very best power ballads. I'm going to buy it for my Dad for christmas. He won't want it. But that's why they're advertising it right? They know best.

Mistletoe kisses from Galaxy? Can someone help me out with this one? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't mistletoe poisonous? Mmmmmm. Yummy.


Jo Caulfield. She's great but I wish she would stray away from the Women/Husbands/Periods material. women women women women women blah blah.

We Are Klang had me and my housemate laughing so hard that Paddy came running down the stairs to see who was on after stropping off when Mitchell and Webb came on.
They were so good. Go and see them. And join the facebook group "I love the belly of Greg Davies"

OK no one can beat them so we'd better have some music next...
Hard-Fi. Television, new religion, hallelujah. Shut up.

Little Miss Jostling her way onto TV. ARRRRRRGH. We're still giggling from We Are Klang, but that soon stops. That's all I have to say about this because I went out for a cigarette. Smoking isn't all bad.

Next up is The Human Slinky.... Put this guy on at 2am on repeat. It's nice. I wanted a go. Maybe he's on youtube....
Here you go

Not sure why he was on the show, but hey. People like bright colours.

And now what everyone has been waiting for. BEN ELTON. I saw him twice in Edinburgh. The first time, I thought, ooh Ben Elton, then hated myself for being impressed. I promised myself I would shout SPLITTTAAAAH if I saw him again. I did see him again. I didn't shout splitter.

Here is his set (cut down a little)....

Starbucks. Coffee in pints... hHAHAHA It's tooo BIG! Buckets of coffee! - ~It's too big!
Kids will drown in their fanta. (HHHAAHA)
Papers. too many sections. too big! HAHA. you can't read it in a day. HAHA arsehole section. HAHAHAHA.
DVDs are too big.... you can't buy just the movie. bonus scenes... too crap for the movie. EVERYTHING IS TOO BIG!
EVERYTHING'S got too big. Plasma's too big.
Tits have got too big. What do they look like - Circus freaks. (HAHA YEH THEY DO! THEY ARE NOT AN ANIMALS LOL)
Lips. Everythings got too big
4 wheel drives. too big.
Ben Elton's head...too big.
paycheque too big.

I wish that was how he ended it. Unfortunately those last two lines are fictional (the rest isn't I swear!)
He chose to end it by quoting Newton's 3rd law of mechanics. For every action there is an equal and an opposite reaction. The ice caps and the rainforests are shrinking.

Because of King Size Mars Bars? Who knew.....

Jimmy Carr was his usual self. Which is good. Perfect for this show really.

LET'S GET THE JOVI BACK! With a classic It's My Life. You know the one that starts BOW WOW!
If you didn't see how they achieve that sound effect, basically they hae a tube eminating from the guitarists stomach and a small moster that lives there belches into the tube, it travels up and into the microphone. Simply amazing.

Roll credits.

What did you think?

Wise words

I was perusing "Teach Yourself Philosophy" by Mel Thompson. Such wise words. Such beauty. Taste this one for starters....

"Philosophy of religion would be quite impossible without religion."

Put that in your philosophical pipe and get high on the heady truths that seep out.


Also I received an email today. From a guy called Guy.

Hi Guys I'm Guy and I need a Bi Guy for my fly-by film "Guy the bi buys a guy". It's well fly, aye. I will try - if not i'll cry - to buy a bi, but that's by the by. I won't lie I am Bi and my name is Guy, aye. In the end we die because my-oh-my the end is nigh. Why? The guy in the sky is sly, aye. I breathe a sigh as I go to Rye, they're oh so wry in Rye, or at least they try. The wall is high, but I peek, I pry to defy the sky. So if you're Thai, or wear a tie and your name is Guy or you're a Guy and you want to die because you bi, give us a try. Bye

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