Hello one and all. Well...one I think. I have decided to share my Edinburgh diary with you word for word. I may have some comments to make which shall be distinguishable because they will be in italic, like this.
Here we go...
Monday 21st August 2006
The woman in front of me in the queue for security had to hand over loads of expensive make-up. I loved it. I was clever enough to have been noticing all the stuff going on in the papers, on the news, in conversation. It made me do an inward silent evil-style laugh. (Please imagine it, I'm too poorly to do it) I'm in Lloyd's no1 bar or whatever it's called waiting for my club wrap. I noticed a family staring at me strangely - or so I thought - til I realised 'Minty' from Eastenders was behind me. The Dad shouted out to him "Where's Gary?!" and the poor guy simply nodded and smiled politely - then promptly left.
Ah, the Scottish accent - I'm surrounded by it already. A couple dressed smartly in business suits just joined me at my table. Oh, by the way, my flight is delayed. I'm not going to moan about it cos these things happen. Sigh.
I'm hungry again but I;ve already had a wrap that cost £5.50 (as if that's an important detail you must all know...)
This is the first time I've flown solo. It's quite nice really, I'm good at killing time browsing in shops and sitting reading with a nice cup of tea/glass of wine. What went on with punctuation in this sentence?
Why are so many people wearing those 'Croc' shoes? they are just jelly shoes right? No one over the age of 6 wears jelly shoes. Apart from rock pool enthusiasts.
I've never really been afraid of flying - more excited and amazed by it. But as I sit here waiting for the take off, my mind is going through how if we crash I'm going to film me dying on my digital camera (how emo-tastic!) and how I'd leave a message for my sister to call her baby Sophie (how ego-tastic!)
The cabin crew seem so bored of the safety procedure. It would be much more hard-hitting if they did some acting - like an info play. If they scream and cry and grapple for their lifejackets. I'd watch then.
The clouds look like snow - or shaving cream...Now I'm level with them. They're beautiful. Wow it's like some sort of magical cloud land. (I think BA put something in their drinks) It's all I can see. Ooh, bumpy bumpy! Watching the sun set from a plane has been one of the most beautiful, awesome and elegant things I've ever seen. Our top height was 73,000 feet. (There's a note next to this saying "surely that ain't right?!", written by me. Bizarre.) Between the layers of clouds is strange - like you're the filling ina cloud sandwich. It;s sort of claustrophobic but also so comforting because of its beauty. (Don't worry - I'm cringing too) If we fell out and landed on those clouds we'd be happy as a bunch of kids called Larry, high on ketamine, bouncing away (in slow motion) on a bouncy castle. I actually have tears in my eyes it's that beautiful. (Slit them wrists) Wow we just went through one - couldn't see anything. Now I can see the bringht orange glow of a city, (Oh good is this over soon?) like orange fairy lights carefully arranged on a patch of grass. They're becoming recognisable shapes now. I can see cars, roads, buildings, a lake, a football stadium - or some sort of sports ground anyway. And fuck me there's the sea. We're over water now, so at least if we crash, our lifejackets will have some sort of purpose. The lights on a huge block of flats spell out FUN....kinda. Looks like there's fun to be had in Edinburgh then! (Jesus wept!) The boats look like cuttle fish floating on the water. Cities at night are so beautiful. Jesus. Everything is so beautiful! What do I think I am, the modern incarnation of a Romantic poet?!
We're pretty low now, I can see windows, doors, oh and there's the runway.
Here we go.
Is it bumpy?
Not too bad.
Hello Edinburgh, I'm Sophie and I need a fag and a wee. x
Tuesday 22nd August 2006
Just got in from first night @ Meadow bar - Pappy's Fun Club did a little bit and I loved Crosby as a minstrel. Phab. Yianni (?) Australian (Yeh I can't remember...he was good though. Got a flyer somewhere I'm sure...) Traveller's stories was rubbish so we went out for a fag (Yes, smoking ban. Oooh)
Paddy keeps getting us lost even though he lives here - rubbish. I've had a few glasses of wine - chillin' to a bit of Nathan Barley before sleep. tomorrow - russel Brand, Richard Herring and something else I've forgotten. The Stand @ Midnight. York Place apparently. Sleep now.
* * * * * * *
We overslept a little and ended up rushing to get to Russel Brand (Cloud Cuckoo Land) at Cowgate Underbelly. It was a great show involving Russel (Yes, we're on first name terms now) being literally stuck up his own arse and Treovr Lock helping him to get out by dispelling blockages (ghosts from his past.)
Then we saw The Comedy Bucket at Meadow Bar. Matthew Crosby compered ***names here*** (yes, I can't be bothered to look them up. Arnab Chanda was a star though) The room was packed, and there was a great atmosphere. Off to Richard Herring soon.
Herring was brilliant - quite simply brilliant. then saw a lady who pretended to be dumb (literally - not speaking). Her name was Claire Hooper. She danced at Paddy. He tried not to get a bonk on. Then Late and Live which was great the acts were (list from flyer) ...I'm so lazy... but there was a surprise act who shoved fork into his nose. When the compere returned he asked the audience what they thought - and the pissed heckler called aloud - "He contributes nothing to society!" Such a succint social observation for a pissed fuck. Adam Hills was brilliant - nothing better than a hilarious comic who encourages the crowd to a singalong (He really is better than this description makes him out to be!)
Today (weds) Oh shit......er... Wednesday 23rd August 2006
...went to Pappy's full show then comedy bucket with "Chad" singing stalker songs about breaking up with a corpse (These were two different songs you understand...but I must stick to this word for word. It was my word. Word.) We saw then (jeez!) chris Martin in @ Canon's Gait (not typo but pissed repetition) then...oh no. That was between Pappy's and comedy bucket. Then went to Spiegeltent and drunk wine - had a burger, sorry this is mundane but I'm drunk. OH! Last night before Lat 'n' live, saw Steve coogan and Ross Noble & got a photo.
Hi-fucking-larious. Look out for this guy. He's great. I feel I know him intimately after that act. (I'm not being poncy - but I won't say why...just go see it!) then saw Phil Kay and he claimed to be diagnosed as "on the edge of mania" to me he just seemed like a normal person but sped up and too honest. Like any irrelevetn thought he has he speaks aloud. But it's gold.
Now we're in Dragonfly in a secret room. It's a packed bar. Very posh. Chandeliers and feathers and that. (That's the epitome of posh, right?) We're like secret squirrel spies, but posh ones.
Someone just came in but we were cunningly hidden behind the curtain.
Thursday 24th august 2006
Ok, I'm on the plane though I should have landed an hour ago. As i said before, I'm not gonna moan cos these things happen to me. Always. Am I cursed? I couldn't force down another freakishly cold salmon salad so I politely declined. Who eats salmon salad approaching midnight? Cup of tea? Oh yes please.
There are no clouds as of yet, (Thank fuck) it just looks like I'm inside Google earth. Which is a kind of odd thought. Because I'm in/on/above the Earth but it seems more like Google Earth. How pathetic is that? ...very. I apologise I'm tired. ...that's ok, sorry for judging. After dragonfly last nightwe went on to a club which played such strange dated trance I really did feel like I was in that scene in Trainspotting. Ended up reassuring some washed up drunken middle aged guy that he wasn't old and lonely but he looked great (this was outside afterwards). He didn't, he just had a nice suit on. We talked about Sean connery - he did the rubbish ten-ish/tennis joke and I soon lost any sympathy I'd had for him. When we got in we watched some more Nathan Barley and then sme Lee Evans. All I remember as i drifted off was Paddy laughing at Lee Evans saying "Knock knock", "Punch, punch".
i wish they did have a little google Earth type screen in the plane so we knew what city we were over. I've instructions to jump out at Manchester and I don't want to make a terrible mistake.
I think we've missed it, the dude (pilot) was just talking about landing procedure. Jeez. time flies when you're...flying. That wasn't meant to be a great joke I just started that sentence and realised I couldn't finish it without looking like a dick. That's the kinda shit you're rolling with here though baby boy, stream of conciousness big-stylee.
note: Ham Omelette = Hamlet
Spaghetti Baguette = Baguetti
Think of other amusing food stuff elisions - maybe start a restaurant.
Yes, today. Last day, Erm, only saw one show. Twas the Book Club hosted by Robin Ince. It was a nice entertaining show, but I think next uear I'll leave first thing in the morning, still not gone to bed. After a late and live I think. Yeh. And next year I'm gonna be here (there... I'm almost home now) there, much longer.
***End of Edinburgh adventure - until I remember something great I forgot to write...like the Air hostess-man (Air Host?!) having to offer so many people salmon salad...with a lisp.