Thursday, January 08, 2009

I've ruined my Mum's life with one sentence

"Oh my SMOD Sophie, tell us about your crazy new year!!"

Well dear readers*, I spent the new year sitting the house with my Mum, pretending I was at a brilliant house party so that I wouldn't have to work at the grotty pub I recently started pretending to fit in at. We watched hootenanny and I drank a lot of wine. It was a 4 on the pleasure scale, where 11 be best.

Still I have pleasures in my life. Spending all day in comfy clothes writing is one. Using masturbation as a sleep aid is another. That reminds me of another pleasure - referring to a particular person as “a another” What other pleasures? Buying things. Drinking wine. Sleeping with men. Burying my face in a hairy chest. Using full stops rather than commas. Incidental Rhyming.

I know what you all want, a list of highlights of the year, both personal, national and worldwide. Well fuck you, you’re having one anyway. It’s an original idea, eh? I bet you wish you’d thought of it.

I’ll start large.

INTERNATIONAL HIGHLIGHTS OF 2008
Obama Wins!
Well done America. Outside of tumblr, most people in the UK dislike you. Because of George Bush. Now you’ve done well, most people like you. Apart from some comedians who are furious.

erm…. what other news happened?…. positive, I mean…. yeh…. erm….

NATIONAL HIGHLIGHTS OF 2008
Dead Set
The Economic Crisis
I can’t be bothered with this I just want to be indulgent and do the personal bit. I mean, fuck you all know about these bits.

PERSONAL HIGHLIGHTS OF 2008
In The Mouth
My first Edinburgh show. Sketch comedy performed at noon everyday in August to totally the wrong crowd with me usually still drunk from the night before having got to bed around 6am. This month long highlight is tainted by the day I broke up with my boyfriend (and co-star of the sketch show (they were one and the same)). Having to perform with him the next day was a total barrel of laughs.

Getting a job at the BBC
Sure, it’s in retail, but that’s one lifetime ambition ticked off. The day I got my staff pass I was so excited!

Stop doing this like a CV Sophie…

Latitude Festival
Seeing Sigur Ros live was fantastic. Another highlight was Robin Ince and Ross Noble having a John Peel impression competition. I spent most of the festival walking around with a box of wine meeting up with friends, abandoning them and just wandering around, discovering things, falling asleep in the literary tent and asking “a very good question indeed” at a debate about religion. I forget what the question was, but I remember being drunkenly and warmly proud that this posh cartoonist guy didn’t laugh at me for being drunk and half asleep on a cushion. What’s best of all is that my ticket was paid for by the magazine I was working for and I did no work whatsoever. Oh and a friend of mine got his cock out while doing their Edinburgh preview. How we laughed. The journey there was also amusing, but you’ll have to ask me personally. Clues: Poppers, Rabbits, Dave.

Robin Ince’s Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People
Robin Ince, Richard Dawkins, Robin Ince, Chris Addison, Josie Long, Stewart Lee, Simon Singh, Martin White, Ben Goldacre, Ricky Gervais, Phill Jupitus, Isy Suttie and Gavin Osbourne, Joanna Neary, Phillip Jeays, and probably a couple I’ve forgotten. Need I say more? Oh, comps courtesy of Mr Ince and I took darkhorsedan. Joy to the world! Oh and fuck the guy who screwed up having a choir there. I know him personally and if it wasn't for him I'd have been on stage each night. Grr!

And this year is sponsored by my Welsh Grandma Gwenyth Winifred Owens who sadly died this year. She often thought sex on TV was ‘not necessary’. Her dogs won crufts once and best of breed many times. She had an Old English sheepdog who was a Dulux dog and ‘Tramp’, he may be the same one, who was the dog who drove the mini in the April Fool’s thing in Esther Rantzen’s That’s Life! She knitted a lot and smoked 60 fags a day. *Lights up* This one’s for you Gwen.

But what of next year 2009? Well, I have books to read, a job to find, a film to write, a man to find, a house to leave, a flat to find. But before all that I have a fuckload of wine to drink.

Oh and the sentence that ruined my Mum's life?

"Did you know that Hootenanny isn't live, but recorded a couple of weeks before?"

I intend to be back a little more often. Apologies.

Sophie x

*Hi Chris!

3 Comments:

Blogger Rant said...

Grotty pub indeed, but being one of only two in horse trader central, it's a necessary distraction, a hotspot to buy fugue away from reality.

21:19  
Blogger Sophie said...

Argh, who are you?

My initial opinion has changed...

21:20  
Blogger Rant said...

Who are you?

21:23  

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