R U CUMMING TONITE?

You know how it is, you're having a nice evening in, listening to some music, reading essays on aestheticism and all of a sudden you get a text from your older sister, a primary school teacher and mother of two.

"Does 'bagging' mean something rude?"

Well. I had to help the poor sap out. Who knows what dire situation she was in.

The conversation then naturally turned to paedophilia. She requested a joke within the theme. I gave her one.

The response:

"Oh they groaned - my friends not the children!"

What children? Is my sister with a child who is asking her to perform 'bagging' upon his tiny self? And was this child so sick that he liked to mock people with reverse perversions? I have sympathy for this sex-craving infant, as I do have a penchant for older men.

Turns out she was having a 'girly' night. Now I'm not an expert, but I was seriously worried, and confused, about the 'bagging' situation by this point.

Another joke was requested. The first that came to mind was from the Jack Dee DeeVeeDee I had watched earlier. The punchline was "a pikey"*

Then more questioning followed:

"Sue** says is it racist to hate pikeys? They seem to think you are the fountain of all knowledge now!"

Of course they are right. Though, really, Sue is a rubbish name for a child. Nora is quite cool as I hear the 70s are back in.

My response (yes I stole/adapted a joke from jimmy carr, but see how i weave it all so marvellously together like a tapestry of veluptuous verbeage):

"It is classist to hate pikeys. Or 'pikeyist'. But I know your friends*** aren't the pikeyest, jade goody wins that title. And she's a racist so we've come full circle. How nice."

For those who haven't had the honour, I am a text artist.

What? Another text?

"Right, is being short-sighted weirder than being long-sighted? They think you're like Stephen Fry on QI!"

I am like him in many ways. I look and act like Oscar Wilde too. Stephen Fry was born at the very moment Oscar Wilde died. Coincidence?****

Response:

"Being longsighted is weirder because what sort of thicko can't see something right in front of them? Dur!"

Final question from the lady who is teaching the future of this country (and apparently focusing on sex education practicals) is:

"Does that big belt thing that men wear with suits have a 'b' in it. Ie is it cummerband or cumberband?"

It is only now that I think...how witty it would have been to say "No, there is a b in their bonnet though" Perhap***** not. What I did instead was check the dictionary to make sure my answer was correct (it was).
But the next word down, but one, was.......

CUMMINGTONITE

It is a mineral. Wikipedia it if you don't believe me. Click here for "Molecules with Silly or Unusual Names". They start with Arsole.

That is all. Oooh, apart from... did anybody else notice Google's error on Valentine's Day? You know how they adapt the logo for various holidays?...You know, like a pair of tits instead of the o's for Mother's Day? Well here was their Valentine's offering:



Googe Added to Miss Johnson's Fictionary.

Googe.(v) To saturate a face with wide licking.

"You've been googed"

"Ergh, don't googe me"

"Googe me baby, googe me to the max!"

Feel free to alter it to "begooged". Which I find just as fun.

Spread the word.

Keep it juxta,

Sophie x

*Feel free to guess the set up - correct answer or funniest guess wins...something
**Actual name used.
***The Nymphants.(ooh nice coinage)
****Don't bother looking it up to check, I'm right.
*****Typo no, Darkplace reference, yes.